All day long, we are doing things. Some of the things we do move us closer to the kind of life we want, like when we act in ways that reflect who we want to be or engage in activities that add meaning and richness to our lives. However, other things we do move us away from the sort of person we want to be, and tend to make life more difficult for us in the long run.
Dr. Russ Harris, a master trainer in ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) refers to these moments as Choice Points.
Example:
Your child spills juice all over the freshly cleaned kitchen floor right after you asked them to be careful. You feel frustration rising, and you’re tempted to yell.
In this moment, you are at a choice point, where you can choose between two paths: a Toward Moves or an Away Moves.
Toward Moves are actions that are in line with your values, bringing you closer to the kind of person you want to be and helping to create a more meaningful life.
Away Moves are actions that go against your values, which tend to make life harder in the long run.
Example:
Toward Move : Take a deep breath to calm yourself and respond by gently explaining to your child why it’s important to be careful, and then work together to clean up the spill.
Away Move : Yell at your child out of frustration. While it might feel like a release in the moment, it could leave your child feeling hurt or scared.
When things are going well, it’s easier to make choices that move us toward the life we want. But the real challenge comes when we feel overwhelmed by difficult thoughts, emotions, or memories. These are the moments when we tend to get hooked—we get stuck in these feelings and thoughts, and as a result, we often make Away Moves.
ACT suggests that many mental health challenges—like anxiety, depression, addiction, and even suicidal thoughts—often come from our inability to “unhook” ourselves from difficult thoughts and feelings. When we get hooked, we become attached to those thoughts and experience a "psychological smog", where we cannot see the big picture and think long term, and end up making decisions that pull us away from the life we want.
So, how can we "unhook" from difficult thoughts and emotions, and instead take actions that align with our values (Toward Moves) when we’re feeling overwhelmed by things like stress, anxiety, or sadness?
Step 1: Identify Your Values: Once you know what truly matters to you can help you see the kind of life you want to create. Here are some tips to help you identify your values.
Imagine Your Funeral: It might sound a little morbid, but trust the process.
Picture yourself at your own funeral. What would you want people to say about you? For example, if you want people to describe you as “selfless and giving,” it might suggest that generosity and kindness are important values for you. From there, you can ask yourself: Does this decision move me toward or away from being that kind of person?
Reflect on Your Relationships: Think about the people who matter most to you. Who do you want to be for them? Maybe you want to be a “caring and attentive mother,” a “devoted spouse,” or a “loyal friend.” Each decision you make can be an opportunity to act in a way that brings you closer to being the person you want to be for those you love.
Once you have a clearer understanding of your values, it becomes much easier to make Toward Moves because, well, you know exactly what you’re moving towards.
Example:
Value: Patience and Kindness as a Parent
When you know that being patient and kind is important to you, it becomes easier to make the Toward Move, even when you're feeling overwhelmed.
Step 2: The second step is to learn how to experience these difficult feelings without being controlled by them. By practicing unhooking skills, you learn to acknowledge these emotions and at the same time choose Toward Moves. This way, you can make value-driven choices, even in the midst of challenging emotions.
Stay tuned for part two, when we’ll explore some helpful unhooking skills. See you then!